Today is just...

     I'm walking on earth in a different world. I see and interact but I feel as if I am on autopilot. My mind is going 50...100....200 mph and it hasn't stopped yet.

     Last night was okay. I went to eat with my husband but it was a huge difference in atmosphere. I was saddened by how he barely talked, and the waitress was able to make him smile and he even mentioned that his supervisor at work made him smile. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make him smile? I continued to think over and over as we waited for the ticket. He tried to play around with me and I took him seriously. I made him feel bad he said... Oh no... I missed my opportunity to make him smile. I continued to try and make him smile, but it was effortless. He was really upset by how I made him feel.


I'M SO EFFIN' BAD AT THIS!!! I SUCK... I REALLY DO!!

     We got home and departed both ways; I the bedroom and him the living room. I started to message my mother-in-law about the marriage situation. I broke down and told her everything. She was very helpful and very spiritual so that was amazing. I still couldn't but help think that maybe if I could just let go of the past, we will be okay... He comes to bed and we start holding each other. We start talking and some how we ended up talking about this show called "Catch a Predator" we watched a few episodes and tell me why we bonded over something so horrible. Do we have weird sick minds? These men going after children and all we could do was laugh at how stupid this mean were, and the fact the police tackled the mess out of them, made us laugh even more. Next, we bonded over watching RHNB and RCNB videos!! It was an amazing night. I thought he was going to force me to have sex with him (as in, repeatedly ask and then get upset that I said no)...but he did not and for that, I say thank you. I must reward him in someway later.

     Today, is just... Another day of thinking. Another day of wishing I wasn't here but at the same time being thankful that I am. I just wish I didn't walk around school avoiding people and making sure I don't see someone I know. I just don't want to talk. I want to be by myself!! We have a group project in class today and I'm dreading it. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to sleep. I don't want to be apart of this waking world... And yet, I know I have a purpose.. What if I'm not good at it. I can't even do homework nor talk to people. What good am I? I guess we will see what tomorrow will bring...

Thank you for reading. XOXO