A Part of My Future is Fading...

     I'm trying to write one post a day at least but yesterday, I needed a mental break day. All the fighting with my husband is killing my soul and I'm sure his is dying too, if it hasn't already. I'm depressed. I'm sure you have noticed if you read my other post, but I'm just putting it out there. It's starting to take a physical strain on my body. My head pounds nonstop, my kidneys feel as if they are slowing down, my hips, pelvis and back ache. I can't even walk up the stairs to my classes without feeling I am about to just pass out from lack of oxygen.

     I just wish we could wake up one day and not be angry at each other. I wish we could just trust each other and believe in each other. After his affair, I can't even begin to imagine life without pain. I love him so much. He is my first. He has been my only love. Seriously, I don't know what it is like to love another guy the way I love him. So once I found out that he has another affair (ending with 3) and that he was in love with her... My world failed. He went out to her place, parties with her, and even gotten a hotel with her. What made it worse, he came home and got into bed apologizing and wanting me to cuddle him. I didn't want to... But guess what? I did. Maybe that was stupid of me. Maybe when I found out in the beginning, I should have walked away. At the time, I wanted nothing more to have my husband back. Our lives have changed. I don't think they will ever go back to where they were before. What if the honeymoon phase after we got married is the only happiness we will ever have? 

     I constantly picture his beautiful sparkling eyes when he said I do. They were so magical. I can even remember seeing him forcing himself not to completely break down and lose it... Now I see, angry, pain, hurt, regret, and the look he gives me when he thinks about the pain he caused me. I'm always hoping and praying for a better tomorrow.... I don't know when that will come but if it doesn't come soon, I might forever lose the love of my life. I might forever lose a part of my future... 

Thank You for reading. XOXO