I'm getting discouraged...& My Grandpa Died

      I've been feeling a bit under the weather and with that AND working plus school, I have not been able to post on here. Also, no one really looks at my blog nor answer the survey to the right of the page. I don't know. I wanted to make a difference, but if no one pays attention, how can I? I'm not looking for publicity, I just want to make part of a living doing what I love.

    But other than that, my grandfather passed away... Sept. 21, 2015. I have not cried but I am sad. Why is everyone expecting me to just break down and lose control? I did that when my grandmother died and I literally lost myself mentally (have not fully recovered from that). I know my emotional boundaries when it comes to these things. Just because I'm not crying doesn't make me a heartless person, it makes me strong. My husband said he couldn't even tell that I am sad...that's the point. He didn't even ask me. Instead, he's telling his ex-mistress that she looks fly with her makeup on. What the crap!!! My grandpa just died and you're continuously "playing games". If it's any emotion that I am outwardly feeling, is anger. I'm more angry than sad at this point. 

 

     *sigh* I don't know what to do though... They want me to perform again at church. I think this is a ploy to keep me going. I love going to church, I just get out of church right after work and it's physically hard to go to church because of it. I feel about it. I mean, Jesus walked 40 days and nights without food through a dessert. I can't even go to church after an 8 hour shift...  

     On the bright side my co-worker said that my demeanor has changed and that I'm acting more like a mom. She thinks I'm going to be a home soon. I hope so, we are desperately trying for a baby.... Well I am. I want to be a mom before my career gets started. I want to work my career around my children instead of the other way around. I don't want to be one of those parents that has other people always raising them, you know? ...I have to actually get some homework done and try not to get too far behind...

Thank You for reading.... XOXO 

Make it stop...

My head is pounding. It won't stop. Please make it stop. Please... I want to non stop cry over this. Over us. I don't know what to do. More pounding. It hurts so bad. What is going on with me?! Why is my body failing. Oh God, please not now. I'm starting to feel good about myself. I'm starting to feel strong  again despite not being strong emotionally. 

He's talking about me to his friends. I know it. He's telling them how horrible I am as a person. I'm not that bad, I promise. I mess up from time to time but I have a good heart I promise that I do. I can hear him, I know it. Now I have to look at people who look at me differently. I'll stay in my room forever. I'll never leave. Only to go to work and go to school. I'll show them. I'll show them how great of a person I really am. 

Seriously... My head hurts so badly. I want to die to make the pain go away. I can't make it work... I can't make anything work. I screw up a few times and I'm deemed that person forever... I wish I had a chance to start EVERYTHING over. I would do it 10x better. I have to go...I have to lay down and escape somehow. Maybe I can sleep and never look back... 

Anxiety Can BE A Good Thing

     My thoughts have slowed. Finally, I'm able to not lash out at every thought and situation. "Not every action needs a reaction." I tell myself that over and over just to make it through the day and not hurt my husband's feelings. Just cause he does something that hurts me, doesn't me I have to stoop down to his level and return the favor. ...but I don't know how long this is going to last. How long do I want peace? 

     I'm getting to that point in my school year where I'm starting to slack with the class that is the hardest. History. I don't have a history bone in my body. Today was a break through, I understood Napoleon! He was a bad mother *shut yo mouth*. And yet, I sat there comparing myself to him. I wish I had the balls that he had. The leadership skills and boldness. Do you know where I could be right now? I could be somewhere overseas doing an internship or making a lot of money. He was so young and he had already invaded so many countries and reestablished the french government. What am I doing? Barely eating for every meal, complaining about school, and barely able to pay for all the stuff I have to pay for.

*She now has thought herself into a sad mood and yet, no one will ever notice.*

     I don't have much to post today... My brain is pretty empty and things are starting to turn around for the better. For now anyways. I know something is going to happen....It always does. I wish I was able to post during a break down. Break downs happen WAY more often than you would probably think. Oh... guess what. I sung in front of my church and they loved it. What did they love? The singing or the fact that I was so willing to embarrass myself? But that rush was unbelievable. I've never felt anything like it. I may not be able to sing but I love singing. And you know what? I want to do it again. Wow. I've played piano and violin in front of people and I still had the debilitating anxiety like I did when I sung, but with singing, I felt different. The anxiety actually made it all the best. Who knew? Anxiety made it a much enjoyable experience. Now let's see what depression has in store for me. 

Thank you for reading. XOXO

A Part of My Future is Fading...

     I'm trying to write one post a day at least but yesterday, I needed a mental break day. All the fighting with my husband is killing my soul and I'm sure his is dying too, if it hasn't already. I'm depressed. I'm sure you have noticed if you read my other post, but I'm just putting it out there. It's starting to take a physical strain on my body. My head pounds nonstop, my kidneys feel as if they are slowing down, my hips, pelvis and back ache. I can't even walk up the stairs to my classes without feeling I am about to just pass out from lack of oxygen.

     I just wish we could wake up one day and not be angry at each other. I wish we could just trust each other and believe in each other. After his affair, I can't even begin to imagine life without pain. I love him so much. He is my first. He has been my only love. Seriously, I don't know what it is like to love another guy the way I love him. So once I found out that he has another affair (ending with 3) and that he was in love with her... My world failed. He went out to her place, parties with her, and even gotten a hotel with her. What made it worse, he came home and got into bed apologizing and wanting me to cuddle him. I didn't want to... But guess what? I did. Maybe that was stupid of me. Maybe when I found out in the beginning, I should have walked away. At the time, I wanted nothing more to have my husband back. Our lives have changed. I don't think they will ever go back to where they were before. What if the honeymoon phase after we got married is the only happiness we will ever have? 

     I constantly picture his beautiful sparkling eyes when he said I do. They were so magical. I can even remember seeing him forcing himself not to completely break down and lose it... Now I see, angry, pain, hurt, regret, and the look he gives me when he thinks about the pain he caused me. I'm always hoping and praying for a better tomorrow.... I don't know when that will come but if it doesn't come soon, I might forever lose the love of my life. I might forever lose a part of my future... 

Thank You for reading. XOXO

Today is just...

     I'm walking on earth in a different world. I see and interact but I feel as if I am on autopilot. My mind is going 50...100....200 mph and it hasn't stopped yet.

     Last night was okay. I went to eat with my husband but it was a huge difference in atmosphere. I was saddened by how he barely talked, and the waitress was able to make him smile and he even mentioned that his supervisor at work made him smile. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make him smile? I continued to think over and over as we waited for the ticket. He tried to play around with me and I took him seriously. I made him feel bad he said... Oh no... I missed my opportunity to make him smile. I continued to try and make him smile, but it was effortless. He was really upset by how I made him feel.


I'M SO EFFIN' BAD AT THIS!!! I SUCK... I REALLY DO!!

     We got home and departed both ways; I the bedroom and him the living room. I started to message my mother-in-law about the marriage situation. I broke down and told her everything. She was very helpful and very spiritual so that was amazing. I still couldn't but help think that maybe if I could just let go of the past, we will be okay... He comes to bed and we start holding each other. We start talking and some how we ended up talking about this show called "Catch a Predator" we watched a few episodes and tell me why we bonded over something so horrible. Do we have weird sick minds? These men going after children and all we could do was laugh at how stupid this mean were, and the fact the police tackled the mess out of them, made us laugh even more. Next, we bonded over watching RHNB and RCNB videos!! It was an amazing night. I thought he was going to force me to have sex with him (as in, repeatedly ask and then get upset that I said no)...but he did not and for that, I say thank you. I must reward him in someway later.

     Today, is just... Another day of thinking. Another day of wishing I wasn't here but at the same time being thankful that I am. I just wish I didn't walk around school avoiding people and making sure I don't see someone I know. I just don't want to talk. I want to be by myself!! We have a group project in class today and I'm dreading it. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to sleep. I don't want to be apart of this waking world... And yet, I know I have a purpose.. What if I'm not good at it. I can't even do homework nor talk to people. What good am I? I guess we will see what tomorrow will bring...

Thank you for reading. XOXO

Slowly Drowning Once Again

    This blog is going to be about my mind and thoughts through depression, anxiety, and whatever else ails my mental. I have over the past year and a half suffered from rebounding depression and anxiety. I once went through a psychotic episode which changed my life forever. I will definitely talk about that in a separate post.

     I'm here to first start off by saying that this blog isn't here to make you sad or to feel sorry for me/anyone else. I just want to let people into the mind of someone who smiles, laughs, and dances around people but on the inside continues to drown in her thoughts. Everyday I'm fighting between living and dying. I am a religious person, so I'm sure that's why I haven't harmed myself farther than I have. But everyday, is a struggle and lately, I am losing myself more and more. My husband says I have not been the same over the past few days... I have not notice. Maybe a little more angry, but I have not really noticed much difference...

*Sigh*

     I ask myself what is wrong with me. I have no right to be upset and depressed about the life I have. I go to college, I work, I'm married, living on my own, and I'm only 20. I have come so far in the past year, that I should be grateful...and I am...trust me...I am more than grateful, but I still hate myself and I hate my life. Maybe someone else deserves my life. Maybe they can do much better with it than I can. I must exit this post before I share too much too early and cause my readers to become bored with my thoughts. Farewell till next time.

Thank you for reading. XOXO